Sunday, February 10, 2013

Valentine's Day Tips for the Guys

 (Stolen from Just Call Me Frank.)

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, as I'm sure the advertisers have incessantly reminded you. If you're a single male, the 14th is often a sad occasion, a holiday apparently devised to rub all the happiness of the world's couples in your lonely face. If you're a male with a girlfriend (forgive me for being heteronormative here), the occasion is certainly not lonely, but it is stressful. You can be assured that your sugar plum is carefully taking notes on how her friends' beaux are treating them on the 14th, and will either choose to keep you around or begin the process of dumping you depending on how your efforts measure up. (If you're a married man, don't worry about it. By this point it will be enough if you just cut your toenails for christ's sake.)

Since so much hangs in the balance and you are undoubtedly anxious, your own judgement is not to be trusted. Fear not! Here are some tips on how you can really make an impression on your sweetie this Valentine's Day!

1.) Write Her a Poem

Ha ha! Just kidding. Seriously, do not try to do this. In all likelihood you will only bring about mutual embarrassment by handing over such poetical dingleberries as:

on the day we met
even though i didn't know it yet
you and i were meant to be
like a sort of something.....tree?

She can respond to this in one of two ways.

One: She tells you it's beautiful and she loves it. Of course she's lying in order to spare your feelings, thus introducing to your hitherto honest and pure relationship the pervasive taint of mendacity. Now it will only be a matter of time until she's faking her orgasms and fibbing about the results of her recent chlamydia test, and you've only got yourself to blame.

Two: She tells you it's beautiful and she loves it -- and she means it. In this case, you've just learned that your beloved is an idiot. It's probably better that you found out sooner than later, but it's sure going to make the Valentine's dinner to which you're treating her taste rotten.

The rules are different, however, if you can play guitar and sing your stupid little poem to her. Go ahead and do it -- she will be impressed, even if you probably don't deserve it. Asshole.

2.) Watch a Movie Together

This one is fairly obvious. Ideally, you’d take her out for an evening at the theatre, but all the tickets for the Valentine’s Day performance of The Phantom of the Opera have been snatched up by more considerate boyfriends than you. The cineplex is your only recourse, but let’s face it: everything playing today is shit. Since the alternatives are Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and Identity Thief, there’s no shame in falling back on a Netflix rental.

Casablanca is an excellent choice, as is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I hear good things about Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Many females also cherish an intemperate (and wholly inexplicable) fondness for Moulin Rouge.

Personally, I recommend the 1966 classic, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Advantages:

One: It’s a damned good film based on a touchstone of American drama. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor give stellar performances.

Two: It will give you a chance to show your sweetheart how cultured you are. Given how much you’ve been talking at her about the new season of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic lately, you probably could stand to earn back a few points in that department.

Three: Your sweetheart has been hinting, with increasing assertiveness, that she thinks it is time you “took the next step” with respect to her. This film will present a chilling vision of things to come should she choose to persist in this course.

Furthermore, I recommend that the two of you watch the film on February 13, and then speaking to each other like George and Martha in front of your family and friends throughout the 14th. If your partner actually agrees to this, you probably should just go ahead and marry her. She’s worth it.

3.) Romantic Gifts

A box of chocolates or bouquet of roses won't cut it: she has no way of knowing that you didn’t just pick them up from the gas station on the way to her place. This is why you covertly deliver a series of gifts on the nights leading up to the 14th. And these can’t just be flowers or candies, either: they must speak to the special relationship the two of you share.


February 10: Box of anal beads; one-gallon carton of pomegranate-flavored lubricant (extra chunky).

February 11: Eighteen-inch motorized dildo that plays “Flight of the Valkyries” when activated.

February 12: Leather girdle, studded thong, and cherry-red ball gag -- with a post-it note attached reading “for me ;)”.

February 13: Artificial dolphin vagina. (These do exist, but you’ll have to through some pretty bizarre Fur channels to get your mitts on one. Make sure you get the kind with the straps; otherwise include a roll of duct tape in the gift box.)

February 14: With any luck, you’ll arrive on the big night to find her door locked and the lights out. Now you can go home and spend an evening playing video games and jacking off like you’ve been wanting to for the last five months.

4.) Spice Up Your Romance. . .Chemically

Come on, you know you were curious.

Drunk sex is one thing, but lovemaking on LSD or psilocybin is transcendent (so I'm told), and some people swear it’s hard to resign yourself to a lifetime of sober sex once you’ve done it on MDMA a few times.

But you feel these are all too predictable, and you don’t have the sketchy connections to make them happen besides.

My perfectly legal recommendation, then, is a heroic dose of bath salts and Viagra -- spend all Valentine’s evening uncontrollably fucking and/or destroying everything at your sweetie’s place, including your sweetie herself. (Like most tender Valentine’s gestures, this one is best offered as a surprise.)

At any rate, you'll give her a Valentine's Day she won't soon forget. And if you do it right, she won't ever demand or hope for a Valentine's surprise again.


  1. I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in the theater with my first girlfriend. The female lead was unnervingly like her and the male lead was unnervingly like me. The relationship didn't last long.

    1. Hmm. I had a similar experience, but I saw it on DVD a few months after the relationship fell apart. Salt in the wounds.

      I am glad, as always, that you're reading and apparently enjoying my "web log," but I am not sure how I feel about family members reading stuff I've written containing phrases like "artificial dolphin vagina."

      (Have I welcomed you back to the States yet?!)

  2. Pat,

    I came across your reviews for Final Fantasy somehow (on Socksmakepeoplesexy) and I found your blog from there, and I found your book on there (The Zeroes) and I should let you know that I plan on purchasing the book in the future. Your writing is so terrific. I admit I am so nostalgic and sentimental for the old Final Fantasy games, and I began playing 7 and Tactics again in the Fall of 2011 and I am still playing through them (I have a very slow play-through speed this time around.) I read your reviews for Final Fantasy VII and Tactics and they were just so thorough and entertaining. I plan on reading VIII next just to take a trip down memory lane (another of my old time classic favorites). And this Valentine's day article is fantastic. Keep doing your thing, I love it!

    1. Oh, awesome. Glad you're reading, and let me know what you think of the book!